HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS(?)
J.D. and Murray are talking.
Murray: I'm not quite sure I'm getting this.
J.D.: Ugh! What's not to get? Look, Dr. Cox told me not to get involved, I defied him, and now, with your help, I'm gonna rub it in his face, okay? Now for the last time, the song goes like this: [singing] "You were wrong! I found his son, I found his son, I found his son!"
And then you jump out and go, "That's me!"
Murray: Yeah, but--okay, but wouldn't it be funnier if I came on the second "I found his son," just to get to it?
J.D.: Yeah, that would be a whole lot funnier. But I have a question: Who's gonna be singing the "I found his son" song? Because it certainly won't be me! Okay?
Here he comes.
He pushes Murray out of sight as Dr. Cox approaches.
J.D.: Dr. Cox...? [singing] You were wrong! I found his son, I found his son, I f--
Murray: That's meeee!
Dr. Cox continues through without a reaction.
Murray: Too early?
J.D.: We rehearsed this!
Murray: We were on your scooter.
HALL / NURSES' STATION
Dr. Cox walks through, passing J.D.
Dr. Cox: Hello, Heather.
J.D.: You will never guess what I found on the computer!
Dr. Cox: Is it a set of adult male shoulders?
J.D.: They had to trim them to get me out of that well.
Dr. Cox: Oh, right.
J.D.: Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son! We gotta find this guy!
Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Like, say, he's got a son. Or he's 29-years-old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover? [taps J.D.'s journal]
J.D.: Ah, that's a horse with a sword on his head, and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams
Murray clears his throat to wake his father.
Mr. Marks: Mm? Murray?
Murray: Before you say anything, I just want you to know if you need a kidney, you can have mine.
J.D.: [whispering] See?
Murray: For seventy thousand dollars!
Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it.
Murray and J.D. walk through hall.
J.D.: All right, we--what's the problem with your dad?
Murray: Well, for starters, he named me "Murray." That's an old man's name!
J.D.: Oh, come on, no it isn't!
Several old guys stick their heads out of their rooms and go, "Whaaat?"
When all that happens is an "I told you so" look from Murray, they go back in.
Murray: Everything my father's ever done was designed to humiliate me.
He turns and starts to walk off.
Again, the old guys come out. "Whaaaaaat?"
J.D.: No, the youngest Murray!
They all go back in but one.
Old Murray: I'm sixty-eight!
J.D. and Murray are at a table.
Murray: I can't believe you got cake! The guy said they didn't have any.
J.D.: Just do what I told you to do.
Murray stretches, pushing his chest out.
A cafeteria worker, Glen, delivers a piece of cake to him.
Glen: [effeminate] Sweets for the sweet.
Murray: Thank you...Glen.
OUTSIDE -- BENCH
J.D. sits there with his journal.
J.D.'s Narration: I couldn't decide whether I should tell Murray his dad wasn't his dad. Luckily hospitals are full of supportive colleagues eager to help.
Dr. Kelso is sitting next to him.
Dr. Kelso: Go tell that little bastard this second, before he coughs a kidney up to his fake father and sues this hospital!
Write that down in your little unicorn book.
J.D.: Uh, actually, sir, it's a horse with a sword on his head.
***FANTASY: The cartoon unicorn comes to life.
Unicorn: [J.D.'s voice, high-pitch] You know I'm a unicorn. Why can't you just say it?